Belonging.
It’s a word that feels warm, safe, and welcoming…
It brings to mind a sense of community, connection, and being seen for who we truly are.
But what does it really mean to belong?
And how is it different from the constant effort of fitting in?
Brené Brown, a leading voice on authenticity and vulnerability, offers us profound insights into this question. Belonging isn’t about changing who we are to be accepted by others; it’s about embracing who we are so fully that we create space for meaningful connections without losing ourselves in the process.
If you’ve ever felt the tension between trying to fit in and yearning to belong, you’re not alone.
Many of us, at some point, have struggled to reconcile our authentic selves with the expectations of others. The truth is, the path to true belonging requires courage, vulnerability, and—perhaps most importantly—self-acceptance.
Belonging Begins with You
Brené Brown’s wisdom reminds us that true belonging starts within. It’s about connecting with and accepting yourself at your core. As she says, “True belonging never asks us to change who we are; it demands we be who we are.”
This isn’t always easy. Many of us have spent years perfecting the art of wearing masks to fit in—shaping our words, actions, and even dreams to match the expectations of others.
But belonging to yourself means letting go of that exhausting performance. It’s about looking inward and saying, “This is me. I’m enough.” It’s an act of self-acceptance that doesn’t require permission or approval from anyone else. It’s an understanding that your worthiness isn’t something you need to earn—it’s something you were born with.
When you truly belong to yourself, you create a foundation for authentic relationships. You can consciously choose connections that align with your values and let go of those that require you to betray your true self. True belonging isn’t about fitting neatly into a group; it’s about finding sacredness in both connection and solitude.
The Exhausting Pursuit of Fitting In
If belonging is about authenticity, fitting in is its exhausting opposite. It demands constant hustle.
As Brené Brown puts it, “Fitting in is about assessing a group of people and thinking, ‘What do I need to say? What do I need to wear? How do I need to act?’ and changing who you are.” It’s a performance rooted in fear—fear of rejection, fear of criticism, and fear of being seen as “not enough.”
The problem with fitting in is that it’s unsustainable. When you betray yourself to meet the expectations of others, you might gain temporary acceptance, but it comes at the cost of losing touch with who you are. The more you hustle for approval, the more you disconnect from your own values, dreams, and sense of self-worth. And that disconnection carries a heavy emotional toll.
Brown reminds us, “Your armor may have protected you when you were small, but now it’s keeping you from growing into your gifts.” The very strategies we use to fit in—hiding, pretending, and people-pleasing—become barriers to the growth and fulfillment we crave. They prevent us from being seen and valued for who we truly are.
The Courage to Choose Belonging
Choosing belonging over fitting in is an act of courage. It means showing up as your authentic self, even when it feels vulnerable or risky. It means being brave enough to say, “This is who I am,” knowing that not everyone will approve—and being okay with that. As Brown explains, “Time is growing short. You can’t live the rest of your life pretending and performing. It’s time to show up and be seen.”
This shift requires a mindset rooted in self-awareness. It’s about understanding your own values, dreams, and preferences, and honoring them without guilt or comparison. It’s about recognizing that you are worthy of love and belonging just as you are—no adjustments needed.
And here’s the beautiful paradox: when you stop hustling for approval and start embracing your authentic self, you open the door to deeper and more genuine connections. Vulnerability, though often uncomfortable, is the birthplace of true connection. When you’re brave enough to let your guard down, you invite others to do the same. This creates relationships built on trust, mutual respect, and a shared sense of belonging.
Standing Alone Without Feeling Lonely
One of the most profound lessons about belonging is that it doesn’t always involve other people. True belonging requires us to find peace in standing alone when necessary. As Brown puts it, “True belonging requires us to believe in and belong to ourselves so fully that we can find sacredness in both being part of something we consciously and purposefully choose and in standing alone when necessary.”
This idea can feel counterintuitive in a world that often equates belonging with being part of a group. But the truth is, there’s immense power in learning to stand alone without feeling lonely. When you belong to yourself, you carry your sense of worthiness and connection with you, no matter where you are or who you’re with. You’re no longer dependent on external validation to feel whole.
This doesn’t mean isolating yourself or rejecting relationships. On the contrary, it means entering into connections from a place of strength and self-assurance. It’s about choosing relationships that enhance your life rather than drain it—and being willing to walk away from those that don’t.
The Pain of Letting Go
Embracing belonging over fitting in often requires letting go of old patterns, relationships, or environments that no longer serve you. This can be painful. It might mean stepping away from friendships that feel one-sided or saying no to opportunities that don’t align with your values. It might mean setting boundaries that others don’t understand or making choices that go against societal expectations.
But as difficult as it is, letting go is also liberating. It creates space for new connections, opportunities, and experiences that align with your true self. And it reminds you that you are not defined by what others think of you. You are defined by how you show up for yourself.
Belonging as a Daily Practice
True belonging isn’t a one-time achievement; it’s a daily practice. It requires ongoing commitment to integrity and authenticity. It means checking in with yourself regularly and asking, “Am I being true to who I am? Am I making choices that honor my values and dreams? Am I showing up authentically in my relationships?”
It also means giving yourself grace. None of us are perfect, and there will be times when we slip back into old habits of seeking approval or fitting in. What matters is how quickly we recognize those moments and return to the path of authenticity.
As Brown reminds us, “Midlife is not a crisis. Midlife is an unraveling. It’s when the universe whispers in your ear, ‘I’m not screwing around… All this pretending and performing has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts.’” This unraveling isn’t something to fear; it’s an invitation to step into your most authentic self and create a life that feels true and fulfilling.
Belonging Beyond Motherhood
While the journey of belonging is deeply personal, it can have a ripple effect on those around you. When you embrace your authentic self, you model that courage and vulnerability for others—your friends, your colleagues, your children. You create an environment where people feel safe to be themselves, and you contribute to a culture of acceptance and connection.
For many of us, this is especially meaningful in the context of family. The way we show up for ourselves can profoundly impact the way we show up for the people we care about most. By choosing belonging over fitting in, we create a legacy of authenticity, love, and acceptance that can inspire those around us to do the same.
A Call to Embrace Your Gifts
In the end, the choice between belonging and fitting in comes down to a simple yet powerful question:
Will you embrace who you truly are, or will you continue to perform and pretend for the sake of approval? The answer isn’t always easy, but it’s always worth it.
Belonging to yourself is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself—and by extension, the world. It’s a commitment to living with courage, integrity, and authenticity. It’s a declaration that you are worthy of love and connection, just as you are. And it’s an invitation to step into the fullness of your gifts and create a life that feels deeply and unapologetically yours.
So, take a moment today to reflect on where you might be hustling for approval or betraying your true self to fit in. And ask yourself: What would it look like to choose belonging instead? The answer might just change everything.
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